3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
