Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
