I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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