Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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