WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
