I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
