So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
