hotel room ftw
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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