No awkward lesbian experiences without me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize