I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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