i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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