Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
