I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
