Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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