Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
