I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
