is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
