so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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