Are we in a gay sports bar?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
