I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
