I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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