When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
