I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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