i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
