So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
