I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
