Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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