party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
