ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
