I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize