Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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