your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
