i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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