Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
