I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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