I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
