Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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