I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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