dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
