I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
