he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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