Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
