you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
