when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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