the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just found puke in my bra..
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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