Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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