then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
