Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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