i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
