My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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