Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
