people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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