There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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