Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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