I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
