well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize