he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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