the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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